Supporting a Loved One Through Decluttering: Gentle Ways to Avoid Emotional Triggers
Helping someone you care about declutter their home can be harder than it seems. What looks like a pile of papers or old clothes may hold deep emotional meaning, and asking someone to let go of those things can stir up more than just resistance. For many adults and seniors, especially those dealing with hoarding behaviours, clutter isn't just clutter. It’s comfort, memories, and sometimes a way of feeling safe in the world.
If you've offered to help and been met with hesitation or distress, you're not alone. Decluttering can bring up feelings of shame, loss, and fear. Your loved one may already feel overwhelmed and unsure of where to begin.
There are ways to provide decluttering help without significantly increasing emotional distress. With patience and compassion, you can help create space, both physically and emotionally, at a pace that can feel safe.
Understanding the Emotional Impact of Decluttering
Decluttering is rarely just about organizing a space. For many people, it brings up a complex mix of emotions, such as grief, guilt, fear, and even panic. What to others might seem like a simple object can carry years of meaning. It might symbolize a person they lost, a time they felt safe, or even their own identity.
This emotional weight is especially present in individuals living with hoarding behaviours. The connection between mental health and hoarding is strong, often rooted in anxiety, depression, or past trauma. For some, the items in their home are anchors in an unpredictable world. Asking them to part with those items can feel like asking them to lose a part of themselves.
People who have experienced instability or neglect, especially during childhood, may also develop strong emotional ties to their belongings. In these cases, childhood trauma and hoarding are closely linked. Items become a way to create a sense of safety and control, a way to protect oneself when the outside world feels unpredictable and unsteady.
For many individuals, their possessions hold emotional significance that extends beyond their utility. This type of object attachment plays a major role in hoarding behaviour, where parting with an item can feel similar to experiencing grief.
Common Emotional Drivers Behind Hoarding
Object Attachment: Some people experience a powerful emotional bond with certain items. These objects might remind them of someone they loved, a significant life event, or a time when they felt more in control. For some, the natural beauty that they may see in something is enough to want to hold on to it, and even collect more. This is often the case for those with more animals than can be adequately taken care of. Animal hoarding, as with all forms of hoarding, comes with deep emotional struggles.
Compulsive Collecting Behaviour: This often starts as a coping mechanism—gathering things brings a sense of order, comfort and control. Over time, it can evolve into a pattern that’s difficult to interrupt.
Fear of Future Need: Many individuals feel that discarding an item now may cause regret later. Holding onto things feels like a way to stay prepared and avoid loss.
Sense of Identity or Legacy: Some possessions are seen as extensions of the self or reminders of who someone used to be. Letting go can feel like erasing part of their story.
Understanding these emotional layers is essential when offering decluttering help. When you can recognize the underlying fears and attachments, your loved one may begin to feel safer exploring the idea of change, one small step at a time.
Offer Decluttering Help that Doesn’t Cause Harm
Helping someone with decluttering isn’t just about organizing their home; it’s about respecting their emotions and boundaries. Offering support the wrong way can unintentionally cause more stress or shame. The key is to be gentle, collaborative, and patient.
Strategies That Support, Not Trigger:
Approach with Compassion and Opportunities for Control
Start by setting the tone. Let your loved one know that you’re there to support, not to take over or judge. This simple shift can ease potential defensiveness and make space for building trust. Give options when planning a decluttering session:
What area or “zone” should we get started with today? (eg. Kitchen, living room, bedroom)
What items or “categories of items” (eg. books, papers, clothing) do you feel most able to get into action with to sort, organize, make decisions about?
What are our goals for today? (eg. compiling one bag recycling, a bag of donations and/or containing “Keep” items in bins).
Start Small and Neutral
Begin with areas or items that carry less emotional weight, such as expired food, junk mail, or broken items. We like to call these “Quick Wins” or “Easier Wins.” These types of early successes build momentum, confidence and habits that will be used throughout the decluttering process.
Use Curious, Open-Ended Questions
Instead of saying, “You don’t need this,” try asking:
“What does this item mean to you?”
“How would it feel to let this go?”
“Where could you get this again in future if you really wanted or needed it?”
Create a “Maybe” Box
For items your loved one isn’t sure if they are ready to part with, offer a temporary solution like a storage bin labelled “Maybe,” “Decide later,” “This relieves the pressure of having to decide immediately. Come back to the Maybe Box or Bin periodically to notice whether feelings have remained the same or if they have begun to change.
Avoid Doing It Alone
Don’t declutter behind their back, even with good intentions. Trust is easily broken and can be very hard to rebuild.
Bring in Professional Help When Needed
ThriveWell Counselling specializes in providing support around decluttering and helping loved ones. Working with a therapist who specializes in counselling and coaching related to hoarding, clutter, and organizational struggles can provide much-needed support, structure, and compassionate assistance alongside your emotional support.
Offering decluttering help is most effective when it’s a partnership, not a push. The more control and dignity your loved one feels, the more open they may be to taking steps that lead to lasting change.
Creating a Safe and Supportive Environment
When someone feels emotionally vulnerable, the space around them matters. A calm, respectful environment that is judgment-free can help your loved one feel safe enough to engage in the decluttering process.
Let Them Set the Pace
Pushing too fast can feel invasive. Let your loved one decide where to begin. If decision-making is challenging for your loved one, narrow down the number of options related to where to begin. Ask:
“What room(s) feel the most important for you to get started in?”
“What items or areas might have some ‘Easier or Quick Wins’?”
“Let’s narrow the options down to 2 or 3 for today. Do you want to start in the kitchen, living room or bedroom today?”
“You mentioned there being potential clothes you no longer like. Where would we be most likely to find those clothes? Do you want to start there today?”
It will be important to let your loved one identify how much they’re ready to tackle in any given decluttering session. Even sorting a single drawer is progress. Patience builds trust and tolerance will also build over time.
Use Tools That Support Gradual Change
The “Maybe Bin” Option: Introduce boxes or bins for undecided items. Label them clearly and agree to revisit them in a few days, weeks or months. This creates emotional breathing room.
Visual Cues for Progress: Work in small areas so that everyone can see the immediate progress that is made, even if it is small. The positive work that has been done to uncover a section of a dining room table, for instance, can then be ‘celebrated’ by your loved one being able to sit in that spot at the table to eat a meal. Take before-and-after photos (with consent) to help your loved one see the difference over time. This can build motivation, pride and a desire to maintain the cleared space.
Minimize Distractions: Create a quiet, focused setting. Turn off the TV, put phones away, and sit together in the space. Your calm presence makes a difference.
Bring all materials needed, such as garbage and recycling bins, a bag or bin for ‘keep’ items, and bags for donations to the area where you will be working together. This will help to minimize distractions and movement and will help keep the focus on the area and/or items you are sorting and decluttering.
Bring chairs to the area, especially if your loved one or yourself has physical limitations. Fatigue and pain can be both frustrating and distracting. Being comfortable throughout this process is important. This can help keep motivation and the potential for success high!
Normalize the Struggle
Decluttering often stirs up feelings of shame, especially for those living with hoarding behaviour. Be mindful of your tone and body language. Avoid language that sounds blaming, judgmental, or disapproving.
Know When to Bring in Support
Hoarding support is available in Toronto and the Greater Ontario area. ThriveWell Counselling offers therapy that focuses on both emotional healing and practical change. We can help your loved one explore the roots of their behaviour and develop tools for sustainable progress.
We can also help you become a great Clutter Coach for your loved one, as well. If you are finding it hard on your own to create the supportive environment where change feels possible, we are here to support both yourself and your loved one!
How ThriveWell Counselling Supports Hoarding Challenges for Families
At ThriveWell Counselling, we offer in-person and virtual hoarding services throughout Toronto and the surrounding areas, as well as online hoarding counselling throughout Ontario. Our team provides compassionate, personalized care to individuals and families seeking achievable and sustainable change.
Our therapists understand that every family’s situation is unique. That’s why we begin with a respectful, nonjudgmental approach that prioritizes trust and emotional safety. Whether you're seeking professional help for hoarders, require guidance on hoarding intervention strategies, or need support with long-standing family dynamics, our team of therapists specializing in hoarding support is here to help. ThriveWell therapists who offer hoarding support are Victoria Bowman, Theresa Roberson, and Dana Kamin. Additionally, our Counsellors in Training, Peta Stinson and Morgan Porter, can provide specialized hoarding/clutter support at a reduced rate that is affordable for you!
We also offer in-home support, which is ideal for seniors or individuals who feel more comfortable working within their own space. Our trauma-informed methods make space for healing while still encouraging accountability and progress in the recovery process.
If your family is ready to take a step toward clearer communication and safer living, learn how we can help with hoarding support in Toronto or connect with us directly through our contact page.