Supporting a Loved One Who Hoards: A Compassionate Approach to Communication and Change
Hoarding isn’t just about collecting things it’s a complex condition that affects emotional well-being, mental health, and physical safety. If you’re supporting a loved one who seems to have a compulsive need to save stuff, you may feel overwhelmed or unsure about how to help without making things worse. The key to finding positive ways to address compulsive hoarding lies in compassionate, effective communication. Communication that fosters trust and encourages positive change.
In this guide, you’ll find practical tips and strategies to support hoarding for someone you care about and to do so, in a way that helps to strengthen your relationship and helps them feel understood. With the right approach, you can help your loved one take positive steps toward a safer and more manageable living environment.
Understanding the Compulsion to Hoard
Before starting a conversation, it’s important to understand what hoarding involves:
What Is Hoarding? With Hoarding Disorder, whether diagnosed or not, individuals accumulate excessive items and find it extremely difficult to let go of them, even if they have little to no value. Over time, this can lead to cluttered and unsafe living spaces that interfere with daily life.
Common Misconceptions: Hoarding is often misunderstood as laziness or untidiness. In reality, hoarding is frequently tied to deep emotional struggles, such as anxiety and trauma, depression, isolation and loss of relationships.
Underlying Factors: We are learning through research that there may be genetic and environmental factors that can lead to Hoarding Disorder. We also know that hoarding is linked to mental health conditions like obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), ADHD and experiences of emotional distress. Recognizing these connections is essential for offering meaningful support.
The Role of Communication in Support
The way you communicate can make all the difference when helping someone with hoarding behaviors. A compassionate, nonjudgmental approach builds trust in you, working together as a team, and helps to build their own confidence in the ability to make change.
Why Communication Matters: Open and empathetic dialogue helps your loved one feel safe and understood. Something that is crucial to addressing the issue together.
Do’s and Don’ts: Reduce defensiveness by avoiding harsh language, ultimatums and judgmental or dismissive remarks. Instead, show empathy and validation by asking, “I imagine you might feel so stressed with us getting ready to work on this room.”
Building Trust: Practice active listening by giving them your full attention, validating their feelings, and breaking down next steps into smaller areas (ie. ‘zones’), categories of objects (eg. shoes, clothes, books, dishes or papers), and options for different items (eg. ‘Keep’, ‘Donate’, Recycle/Garbage, ’Maybe’ items).
Effective Communication Strategies
Talking about hoarding behaviours can feel intimidating, but these strategies can help:
Start with Compassion: Begin conversations with care and concern, such as, “I’ve noticed you’ve been feeling stressed about your belongings, and I want to support you.”
Use "I" Statements: Share your feelings constructively without judgments or placing blame. For instance, say, “I feel worried about your safety because of the clutter,” instead of, “You’re putting yourself in danger.”
Create Dialogue about Meanings of Items: Ask questions like, “What makes this item meaningful to you?,” and learn through conversations that build trust. Saying, “Tell me about the importance of this for you.” helps you understand the struggles they might be having around letting some things go.
Offer Support, Not Solutions: Resist the urge to “fix” the situation. Focus on small, manageable steps, like working together on one drawer or shelf at a time.
Provide Reassurance: Remind them they’re not alone and that support is available, yours and if needed, professional support, when they’re ready, and/or when there is an urgent situation they are faced with (eg. relationship stress, an eviction notice, children at risk).
Emotional and Practical Hoarding Support
Supporting someone with hoarding behaviours involves both emotional understanding and practical help:
Speak with a hoarding therapist: Suggest therapy, counselling, or ‘coaching’ to address the underlying causes of hoarding. Mental health professionals can provide valuable tools for managing the condition. Victoria Bowman, Dana Kamin, and other practitioners at ThriveWell Counselling specialize in providing hoarding support related to clutter and disorganization.
Encourage Small Steps: Start with a single area or ‘zone’ (eg. kitchen, living room, bedroom) to avoid feeling overwhelmed. If the ‘zone’ chosen is large, break that down into ‘sub-zones’ (eg. kitchen counter, table or one cupboard, a couch or chair, etc.)
Practice the Principle of ‘Like with Like’: Sorting and decluttering can be exhausting work. Start with placing items that belong together…well, together! Place dishes with dishes, whether in the sink, on the counter, or if there are a lot to be cleaned, in a bin. This is a temporary first step. Place clothing in another bin, and papers in yet another bin or a cloth bag. Do this to create a starting point to organize items.
Celebrate Successes: Large or small, every small achievement, and ‘quick win’ (such as something of less importance) is worth celebrating! These wins add up, and with it, so can confidence and the belief, “I can do this!”
Address Emotional Triggers: Work together to identify emotional connections to items and explore healthier ways to cope with those feelings. For instance, rather than saving all sentimental and emotionally important items, can you and your loved one take pictures of the items, make a collage with them, and/or keep a ‘representative sample’ of some, but not all, of the cherished items.
Make a Plan to Display Cherished Items: At ThriveWell, we have worked with individuals to keep sports memorabilia of their favourite players, rather than holding onto all sports collectibles. Others have displayed, on shelves or through hanging artwork their favourite comic, superhero, video game and TV/movie characters.
Practice Patience: Change takes time, and setbacks are normal. A supportive and consistent attitude makes a big difference.
When to Consider Hoarding Support
In some cases, professional intervention is essential. Signs that it may be time to work with a hoarding therapist or ‘coach’ include:
Living conditions have become unsafe due to clutter.
Attempts to declutter lead to intense emotional distress, arguments, fights and/or mistrust.
Their mental or physical health and relationships (with yourself or others) is at risk as a result of the hoarding.
Therapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), exposure therapy, motivational interview, acceptance and commitment therapy, and dialectical behavour therapy (DBT) can help to address the emotional factors behind hoarding. Specialized hoarding support from mental health professionals can provide tools and guidance for individuals and families navigating these challenges.
Conclusion
Supporting someone you love with hoarding requires patience, empathy, and effective communication. By understanding the condition and showing care, you can help you and your loved one, together make progress toward a safer and healthier environment.
If you’re interested in exploring therapy options, ThriveWell offers resources to guide individuals and families through this journey. Learn more about our hoarding support services, or reach out to us anytime, contact us here.