Helping Hands and Loving Hearts: Inspiring Families to Address Hoarding Together
Hoarding disorder, whether diagnosed or not, can be very challenging not only for the individuals affected but also for their families and those that love them. If you’re trying to help a loved one who struggles with hoarding, it’s natural to feel uncertain about how to offer effective support. In this guide, we’ll explore strategies that can help you make a positive difference. We’ll look at what works and what doesn’t, common mistakes to avoid, and how to approach supporting your loved one’s hoarding and clutter with compassion, respect and care for them and your relationship.
Understanding Hoarding Disorder and Its Impact on Families
What Is Hoarding Disorder?
Hoarding disorder goes beyond having clutter, or too much of one thing or another; it’s a recognized mental health condition. Individuals with hoarding disorder often feel intense distress and anxiety at even just the thought of letting go of items. Rather than being able to move through the intense anxiety or urges to keep or acquire, many people with hoarding tend towards avoidance, as a way of managing the intensity of these emotions. If paired with the intense urge to pick up items, even for free, or buy new things, this can lead to an overwhelming accumulation of possessions that may impact health, safety, and relationships.
Challenges Families Face
For families, a loved one’s hoarding can lead to emotional stress, strained relationships, and concerns for their safety. Frequent conflicts can erupt between couples, when one partner in a couple hoards and the other one does not, or even when one keeps more clean than the other. When the accumulation of items interferes with walking, sitting, cooking, finding things and other aspects of daily functioning, disagreements around how to handle the situation can erupt.
The non-hoarding partner may attempt to clean and organize. The person with more clutter may firmly (or loudly) say, “Don’t touch my stuff!” It can feel like the items in your household are taking over your lives, and your relationship. If you have young children, hoarding can bring safety concerns. Attachment to the stuff may get in the way of the adult/child relationship. Hoarding can lead to strained relationships no matter what the age of the children, and if you are an adult child of a parent who struggles with hoarding or clutter, you may worry about the situation as your parent(s) age.
More and more, we are understanding hoarding as a complex mental health issue, that may be linked, at least partially, to both genetics and a history of trauma and attachment loss (learn more).
Recognizing hoarding as a mental health issue not a lifestyle choice can help you approach the situation with empathy and patience. Becoming a ‘clutter coach’ and part of your loved one’s ‘declutter team,’ lays the foundation for the healthy and helpful support you can provide.
Dos and Don’ts for Supporting Your Loved One with Hoarding Disorder
DO: Educate Yourself
Learn about hoarding disorder and how you can best help, through this Blog, mental health websites, and support groups. Here’s a few resources to get you started!
Toronto Hoarding Support Services Network - For Caregivers & Families
International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) Hoarding - For Families
Consult with us! We have several counsellors here at ThriveWell Counselling who specialize in working with clutter and hoarding.
DON’T: Force Decluttering
Avoid trying to “fix” the situation by removing items, especially without your loved one knowing! This can create distrust, resentment, and even deeper attachment to possessions. When forced to let go of items, people with hoarding challenges are known to reaccumulate the lost items, and then some. This can even lead to having more than there was before!
Building Trust Through Empathy
DO: Approach with Empathy and Patience
Have open, respectful conversations about how decluttering might enhance their own, and your family’s quality of life. Focus on understanding the struggles, gaining confidence in what can be done, and ensure your loved one feels in control over their decisions.
Listen actively, validate feelings, and avoid judgment.
Remember, though the ‘stuff’ is what you see, It’s not just about that. Empathy and patience can help your loved one feel a sense of safety and empowerment as they make decisions and choices about their possessions.
DON’T: Judge or Criticize
Avoid critical language, which may cause feelings of shame and a defensive response.
Use collaborative language that respects their attachment to their possessions. Use the terms they use - if they consider themselves to be a Collector, use that same term.
Becoming a Supportive Clutter Coach
DO: Become a Clutter Coach
Offer safe, non-judgmental support without taking over. Building trust is crucial for progress.
Express empathy about any guilt, fear or shame your loved one might have about their clutter and needing your help.
Be compassionate and understanding. Learn about why something is important to your loved one and about the emotional attachment they have to the things you are decluttering.
Establish a schedule, celebrate small achievements and “quick” or “easy wins.” Finding something that is easier for the individual is a good way to start. Expired foods, VHS tapes, and DVD’s (especially if the person doesn’t have a VCR or DVD player anymore!), broken furniture or other such items may be great places to start.
Make the process collaborative.
DON’T: Take Over the Process
Let them stay in charge of their belongings. Taking control can damage trust, lessen their motivation and increase anxiety and isolation
Avoid rushing or pressuring your loved one. Decluttering is a slow process, especially in the beginning.
Setting Boundaries and Staying Consistent
DO: Set Healthy Boundaries
Define your limits for time and emotional energy, letting your loved one know what you can realistically provide.
Develop a clear and consistent plan for the work ahead. Select an area or “zone” to work in, and/or a category of items (eg. books, clothes, food) to focus on for each decluttering “session”. Creating structure and boundaries provides a sense of control, safety and reduces anxiety.
If you are living together in the same household, it’s ok to set boundaries so that you have spaces that remain more or less clutter free. If your loved one agrees to and sticks to these boundaries, that is a success that can build motivation to contain and limit the clutter further.
DON’T: Shoulder the Responsibility Alone
Avoid burnout by reaching out to your own support networks
Consulting with hoarding professionals, own your own or as a family can be helpful. Send us an email or give us a call to see how working together as a team with ThriveWell Counselling can help increase your connection as a family, while decreasing the stress of decluttering.
Set Goals that Align with Your Loved One’s Values
DO: Explore Values, Goals and Emotional Connections to Objects
Begin by connecting to the values your loved one appreciates the most in their life relationships, personal growth, safety, creativity, comfort, or others. This helps link the decluttering process to things they care the most about.
Align decluttering goals with these values to make the process more motivating. For example, if your loved one is creative and artistic, perhaps a plan can be developed to contain loose “Keep” items (eg. in bins), while other items are donated to causes that your loved one cares about (eg. shelters). This way you can free up space (and time from decluttering!) so that your loved one can pursue their passion.
Collaborate to set realistic, meaningful goals. Consider starting with goals related to safety and health. Are there plumbing, heating or electrical issues that need prioritizing? Are there any risks of injuries to the adults or children in the household? As you work towards creating a safer space, consider how to increase functioning, organization and comfort in the home.
DON’T: Apply Pressure to Declutter Based on Your Values
It's tempting to focus on your wants and needs, particularly if your frustration with the situation has been growing for a long time. However, your goals and those of your loved one are likely to be different, and imposing your values could at minimum slow down progress, and may lead to increased feelings of resentment, anxiety, resistance and mistrust.
Don’t ignore their items. For example, if your loved one values sentimental items, respect their attachment rather than pushing for them to let go of things quickly. Understand that the process is about their emotional and psychological needs, not just creating physical space.
Managing Anxiety and Avoidance
DO: Honour how Hard Decluttering Is Anxiety and Break Down Tasks
Steps in decluttering, such as decisions of what to keep and let go of and how to organize the things that are kept often brings up intense anxiety. Avoidance, ‘churning’ objects without making decisions on them, and giving up on decluttering altogether are common ways to deal with the anxiety. Help your loved one manage this by breaking tasks into smaller steps. Encouraging relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, taking walks, and taking a moment for self-care before, during and after a decluttering session. For instance, making a warm cup of tea when you are starting, take a brief break after 15-30 mins of decluttering and going out for a walk when finished for the day.
DON’T: Ignore Their Anxiety
Avoid pushing through anxiety unnoticed, as this can lead to resistance. Let them set the pace and reassure them that every step counts.
Focusing on Small Wins and Lasting Progress
DO: Celebrate Small Wins
Lasting change takes time. Encourage your loved one to appreciate even minor progress, like organizing a small area, taking a small bag of items to a donation centre, and keeping a previously cluttered area cleared. Small successes as they build will increase motivation and momentum.
DON’T: Rush the Process
Pushing for quick results can increase anxiety. Respect their pace and celebrate each step, however small.
When to See a Therapist for Hoarding Support
Engaging a hoarding specialist or therapist can be a significant step toward sustainable change. A professional can offer guidance on managing anxiety and addressing the emotional aspects of hoarding. ThriveWell Counselling provides compassionate, specialized support for hoarding disorder. Dana Kamin, Victoria Bowman and Emily Charlotte, at ThriveWell Counselling, specialize in hoarding support. We provide individuals and families with hoarding support in Toronto and throughout the GTHA in-person, and throughout Ontario virtually.
Self-Care for Family Members
Supporting a loved one with hoarding disorder can be emotionally taxing. Take time for self-care by setting boundaries, taking breaks, and seeking support, whether through friends or a counselor.
Compassionate Support is Available
ThriveWell Counselling offers a safe, understanding environment for individuals and families impacted by hoarding disorder. For further resources, counseling, or support, visit our contact page to schedule a consultation.
Conclusion
Helping a loved one with hoarding disorder is a journey that requires empathy, patience, and consistency. Every small step you take together matters. If you’re ready to start, reach out for the support and guidance that can make a positive difference.