Tips For Parents: How To Connect With Your Teens
Parent-Child Relationship: The Teenage Years
It’s just a little over a month away before summer begins, and your teenager will likely be around home more. School break is a great opportunity to reconnect with your child if you’ve been feeling a bit of distance lately. The adolescent and teen years often bring challenges for any parent child relationship, but it’s still possible to be close - it’s just now your bond will be different. If you put in the work to build trust and a strong connection with your teen, studies have shown that they may actually end up growing into healthier adults (with less mental, physical and sexual health issues).
As a therapy clinic that offers family therapy, we know that most parents want to be there for their kids, but that sometimes they don’t know how to relate to them as they make that transition from child to teenager. Being a parent to a growing adolescent or teen can be especially tricky if you had a rough time when you were living through those formative years (it can stir up memories and feelings). We’ve witnessed the strain these years can put on parent-child relationships. Challenges and struggles are normal, and we are here to help with a few different tips and options for support.
In this blog we’re sharing the different ways of connecting with your teenager and how to strengthen your relationship.
The Art Of Listening - How To Talk To Your Teen
Talking to a teenager is quite different from conversations with a child. For one, with kids they are often very chatty, and they want to know your opinion on things!
However, with a teenager, starting conversations and keeping them going beyond one word answers can be an exercise in frustration. Below are some key ways to help your teen to open up to you.
Consider the location and time: Timing matters. Trying to initiate a deep conversation when your teenager is busy or distracted won't yield great results. Pick a time when they seem relaxed, like during a car ride or while doing a shared activity, and ensure you're both free from distractions.
Listen more, speak less: Teenagers often can feel unheard or misunderstood. Show genuine interest in what they have to say by actively listening without interrupting with advice or judgment. Sometimes, they just need to vent. Before offering your wisdom, check in and see if they are open to hearing it.
Honour their experience: Even if you don’t agree with them on a subject, you can still acknowledge that their feelings are real and that their opinions matter to you. Even if you don’t agree with them, try to understand where they're coming from will help them to feel heard.
Ask open-ended questions: Open communication is something that can take time to nurture. One way to get that going is to remind your child that you’re interested in not just the facts, but really their inner world. Try to stay away from questions that can be answered with a simple "yes" or "no." Instead, ask questions that invite them to express themselves more freely. So instead of "How was your day?" ask "Did anything come up today that made you feel happy or sad or mad?"
Share your own story with them (when appropriate): Teenagers may respond better with stories from your life experiences rather than lectures. It can remind them that you’re human and shows that you understand what they're going through. However, it’s good to keep it relatable and brief (don’t go into too much detail).
Setting Up Consistent Times For Connection
This is a step that can begin much earlier in childhood, and can bring comfort to your teen, when their lives may feel pretty unpredictable and chaotic. Having a special day each week, or month when just the two of you go out can bring comfort and connection for both of you.
It might be that the last Saturday of each month you go out for a hike, or a hot chocolate, or something else where there is a consistent opportunity for a conversation, emotional support and just some easy going one-on-one time. This should be a time when electronic devices are left in the car, or in your jackets, and there is time to just remind your child of the unconditional love you have for them.
Establishing New Rules With Your Teen
Do your home rules need some updating? Children and teenagers both need clear boundaries and consistency, but there may come a point where your teen starts pushing back against any and all rules. What’s a parent to do? Invite your teen to the table, and set up new rules and boundaries that feel fairer to them.
No, this doesn’t mean they get to choose to have their curfew at 3:00 am. But sometimes opening a conversation up around rules and their safety can also open a dialogue around the people in their lives that they feel safe, or uncomfortable with. You can negotiate a slightly later curfew on weekends, and establish exceptions for specific circumstances. This helps your teen to have more autonomy while still keeping rules in place. Having them decide on the repercussions of breaking rules can also take the blame off of you when you need to enforce them (which can better preserve your relationship).
Celebrating Wins and Being There For The Struggles
While celebrating your teenager’s achievements is a joy, there is nothing more painful than realizing you cannot save your child from the hurts that come with life. Moments like these will come along more in the teen years, and with each experience, it’s quite possible that your own memories will rise up while you comfort or congratulate your child. The important thing with both of these moments is to make sure that you’re staying present for their emotions, and not getting swept away with your feelings.
Try not to put too much emphasis on how proud you are if they get straight A’s, because with that praise comes pressure for them to continue to succeed. Sad moments, like a first broken heart, or being bullied can also use a balanced approach with support, offering to listen, taking them out to do something they enjoy, or just spending time with them, without offering unsolicited advice.
Check In With Your Teen’s Friends
An underrated way of connecting with your child is through embracing their friends and making your home a safe space for them to be at. This doesn’t mean that you have to have an “anything goes” approach to what happens in your home, but making sure their friends feel welcome to stay for dinner, offering to drive them home if it’s late, and being available in the house for a chat if needed can help set the tone of you being a supportive adult in your teen’s friends lives.
Just like with your own child, it’s good to ask just a few open ended questions to check in with them every so often to see how life is going for them. This can also give you insight into what your own teen might be dealing with - if there’s a difficult teacher at school, or if something else is going on that you should know about.
What To Do If You’re Just Not Connecting With Your Teen
If you’ve been trying to connect with your teen, and you’re just not getting through, sometimes getting outside support can help. ThriveWell Counselling offers family counselling, and sometimes just a few sessions with a family therapist can help to clarify unseen struggles or areas that need extra attention. They may also be able to identify a mismatch between your communication style and that of your child, so you can learn to speak in a way that it will land on more receptive ears.
Our therapists can also help provide additional tools parents can use to effectively communicate with their quiet, outspoken or otherwise hard to connect with teenage kids. Family therapists are also good at creating room for quiet teens to talk, and for noticing if there are any warning signs or mental health concerns.
About Family Therapy At Thrivewell Counselling
Our family therapists are here to offer support for parents and children who are struggling. We have multiple family counsellors including, Ruti Ingerman, Luiza Lobo, Emily Greenop and Dana Kamin. Many of our counsellors work with teens 16 and up. All our therapists approach therapy from a trauma-informed, non-judgmental view. We can offer free consultations with one or more of our family / teen counsellors, so you, your child, or your family can make sure you feel comfortable with them before beginning therapy.